Tumblr constantly making me question my sexuality. Lord
… I’m at a loss for worlds. Everything was going great and then this. Again. After 2 years sober you go back to drugs. Crack your drug of choice will always have a hold of you.. My heart is literally breaking in my chest for the 100th time and I can feel it. This pain hurts. This pain is excruciating. I have never felt this kind of pain. It’s the pain that comes with realizing that you do not have to face your consequences, but I will always have the consequences of your actions following me. I may always suffer from anxiety, panic attacks, abandonment issues, trust issues, and depression due to the fact that one or the main people who was supposed to protect me, hurt me worse than anyone else in the world ever could. Your words ring in my ears, the words you said to me and the lies you told other people. “She’s a spoiled brat.” “You’re such a whore.” “There’s no need to tell your mom, it’s your word against mine.” I hate that after all this time, and all this striving to put on such a brave face, I will always have a weak spot for you. I can’t believe the person you have become is the same 18 years old man who took me in as his own at Two months old. You aren’t even a man anymore, you’re a fragile little boy, and you are so sick with this disease you have allowed it to control you. I don’t know why I can’t hate you but damn it, hating you would be so much better than being stuck in this constant battle between wanting nothing to do with you and crying my eyes out because I just want the dad I remember back. I will always be weak when it comes to you and I think you know this and use it to your advantage.. I will always feel like the little girl hiding in her room,crying her eyes out. I always go back to that no matter how strong I try to seem. I want to be strong but I think being strong means letting you go and dad, I don’t know if I can do it. I want to be strong but if letting go of you is what it takes, I’m not sure I have it in me and my heart hurts so much. It will hurt me so much to let you go, but the pain will be quick, whereas if I keep up this cycle, I am sure that my pain will be never ending, because I don’t see you getting well ever. I know you love me, although you have a fucked up, misconstrued way of showing it. I just wish things didn’t have to be this way. God, I hate drugs and alcohol. They took the man I love and completely changed him, the man I looked up to is no where to be found. The dad I used to have wouldn’t use up every ounce of love someone tried to give and throw it back in their face like nothing is ever good enough.
I have discovered something about myself lately. I am a very “comfortable” person. I get in this element where everything has to be the same, and if it’s not, I panic. I over analyze. I second guess. I push away. I pull into myself like a caterpillar hides in a cocoon. I hold in my feelings and emotions, because it makes me feel like I have more control on them when I do. These feelings are MINE, all to myself, and no one else owns them. No one else knows how jumbled up I am. But in fact, I’m letting my, what should be, *temporary* feelings control me. Because happiness and sadness should be a temporary thing. Nothing in life is permanent, and having one without the other would be so mundane, and you would take it for granted. maybe what I haven’t realized until now is that each day you wake, you have to strive for happiness, fight for it, take it as your own, but I stopped doing that a long time ago. I didn’t think I deserved it. I have been sad for a long, long time. I get spells of happiness. I should be happy, but something about happiness doesn’t feel exactly right. Something about happiness makes me feel like something is about to go horribly, horribly wrong. So sadness has become my safe spot. My comfortable spot. What I am used to. When things went right in my life, it was almost always followed by disappointment and pain, and so, with time, I made myself stop feeling 100% happy, ever. I was always happy but had this nagging feeling in the back if my mind. It’s crazy the coping mechanisms your brain can come up with. “Don’t get too happy, don’t be too carefree, you need to grow up faster, because something is bound to go off the deep end, soon. You have to be the strong one.” So I built this wall up inside myself, I built this wall dividing who I am most of the time, and who I truly WANT to be. And I know now, it’s up to me to tear it down. No one else can control my happiness, and I wish I had never let anyone else’s actions take it away. I am coming to realizations inside myself, I am on a journey of self discovery, I am growing, I am ever-changing, exactly how I should be. And I am forgiven for taking this beautiful life I have been given for-granted, and because of that, I too can forgive anyone who has done me wrong. If not for them, for myself. I will no longer allow myself to sink back into this hole. No more spending hours and days and weeks working on taking one step forward, only to take five steps back. Maybe this is how you beat depression and anxiety, once and for all. Realizing you deserve to be happy, and taking the proper steps to make it happen.
I have realized that the way I had to grow up too fast, the things I experienced, and the things I witnessed have taken a larger toll on me than I originally thought. It has caused me to become so OCD. It has made me feel like I have to control everything, otherwise my life will spiral out of control and collapse around me. I have anxiety, and suffer from occasional panic attacks. I am no longer the happy to lucky girl I used to be, to me, everything has a price to pay, everything has a bad outcome. It has made me stress out, become paranoid that people don’t really care, or that they will leave at the drop of a hat. It has made me look for approval from others, when I really shouldn’t. I am glad I went through what I have, but these trials keep being hurled at me. When I think I am over my past, it comes back to haunt me and I don’t deserve that. I want to be FREE from my past. I have to fight these feelings off, and it stresses me out so bad. But I have to control it, fight it off, because I so desperately do not want to be that person. It has gotten to the point that, when I was younger I would get screamed at for hours and told I was a piece of shit if I didn’t make my bed up properly, and due to that, now I have panic attacks when my room is unorganized, even though the person who said those things and caused all of this Is no longer here to do that to me. I know Stephen can’t understand but it drives him nuts because he’s a messy person, and it stresses me out so bad. I don’t blame him, because I know no one who has never been in my situation would understand. But it sucks. I just want to be free, however I can get to that point, I don’t know. I wish it were as easy for me to let go as it was for the person who caused all this pain. I can’t get past the fact that my own father, someone who was supposed to protect me, treated me like shit, called me a whore multiple times, emotionally and physically abused me, turned into someone he swore he never would, let drugs and alcohol ruin our relationship, and just plain let me down. I just want to be free, and I am striving for that every day. I don’t want to be a emotional mess. I don’t want to be the girl with dad issues. I want to be me. I know I don’t have a bad life, I just wish I could shut off these coping mechanisms that I have collected during my teenage years to cope with things.
I feel so bad for one of my best friends. She is in a horribly toxic relationship, but is holding on because she loves him, even though it seems he could care less and despite all her effort she has put into the relationship, he isn’t putting effort into making the relationship better. I just know what my mom went through with my fathers drinking problem, and how mean he got, and how it eventually turned into physical altercations and i do not want that for her. It breams my heart because theres nothing i can do. I have to distance myself from the situation because they are both my friends but it pisses me off at her boyfriend because he is mean to her when he drinks. I have to distance myself because it breaks my heart that after all the warning signs, after all of his possessiveness, after all of him being mean to her an calling her names and insinuating shes a whore, she still does not see she deserves SO SO much better. She is selling herself short and despite the advice i give her, it does no good and its rips my heart in two that she cant see what he is doing to her. She is not the same person she used to be and he is trying his damnedest to control everything she does. Ugh. I am stuck because i don’t want to make her mad but i will be damned if he lays one fucking hand on her. If i can take on my dad and punch my dad for touching me and my mom, i sure as hell can take on his punk ass. She has to realize on her own but i sometimes just wanna shake her. She deserves so much better and always settles for the bad boy type who could care less. I feel so bad for her because he really thought this guy was different and he isn’t.
I’ve just seen a face,
I can’t forget the time or place
Where we just met, she’s just the girl for me
And I want all the world to see we’ve met
Had it been another day
I might have looked the other way
And I’d have never been aware
But as it is I dream of her tonight
La, di, di, da di di
Falling, yes I am falling
And she keeps calling me back again
I have never known
The likes of this, I’ve been alone
And I have missed things and kept out of sight
But other girls were never quite like this
La, di, di, da di di